So this week's been an interesting one if only because everything has been so internal. I'm learning so many little lessons that I'm having a hard time describing them because they just keep adding up. Anyways, last Monday I got a challenge in the form of a talk under my door to be more spiritually connected, and I've started what the talk described as a spiritual forty day 'fast' in an effort to feel the spirit more abundantly in my life. I am now on day six of my fast and it's been much harder than I thought it was going to be the three things I've decided to 'fast' from. Are as follows:
1. No more "When I get home..." thoughts. My mission should be like my time at the temple, purposefully timeless. This time I have here is going to end so much sooner than I think it will and it does me no good to think about a time far off when I have today to focus on.
2. No more internal stories. I'm sure some of you are looking at your screen and wondering if I'm going to be able to accomplish this one. Plot is just the way I think. I enjoy bringing in characters and concepts into my head and just see the world through the lenses of a fairy tale. This has been the one that I've had the hardest time with so far. Just in the little moments while cleaning during service, or walking between classes my mind tends to wander. But once again this is something that pulls me away from the people in front of me. The gospel should be my focus and I have tried really hard this last week to live in the moment.
3. No more searching for the pride of the world. Or more internally no more comparing myself to others. For good or for bad. This is something I've struggled with for a long time and this one has also been hard to try and work around because it's such a habit to look for ways that I can get recognized for my actions. I feel like an awful person just for writing it out but there it is. I am a prideful person and this week trying to completely rid myself of those thoughts and actions has been very difficult. Still I do feel like I am getting somewhere and even if this is a 'fast' that I have to struggle with for the rest of my life I will because that's the type of person I want to be.
4. And then in place number four, which really isn't a fast but more of a nourishment is a goal to really read the Book of Mormon and study from it in all my free time. This one has really helped me the last week. I thought I would be able to listen to music more but it's banned in the MTC dorms so I've only been able to listen to the occasional conference talk in the mornings. I think that void was just leaving me time to think/drown in my own thoughts and worries. Now there's something for me to really do during the night and it's been really nice.
I've really had to struggle with these four items at times this week and last night the last couple of hours or so I just felt really discouraged about it all. I didn't feel like anything had changed in me even though I was getting close to a week of really trying to get through this. I went to bed simply relieved for the chance to be unconscious and not have to think about anything. And then this morning we went to the temple. I'll start with the fact that I love temple trips they're wonderful things. But this one really spoke to me. Sitting in the celestial room after the session I just started pouring out my soul to God and I got a couple of impressions I'd like to share with you.
Firstly I got the distinct impression that everything was going to be alright. I can and will make it though this mission. Even though some days really do feel like a struggle just to make it through the day, I will be able to find great joy in this service to the Lord. He wants me to find joy in it.
Second off, Is that I am protected. There were a couple of times yesterday where something happened and I just suddenly felt very venerable and scared. Today I got the reassurance that Christ is going to protect me through this. There are people watching out for me and they are not going to let me down.
Thirdly is that I am here for a reason. I have been called. That realization may sound almost repetitive but it's something that I don't think I really believed until this morning. Some part of me was worried that I left more for myself than for God. But while sitting in the temple I could feel the words in my mind. "I have called you for a reason." It was such a powerful moment and I hope I can live up to that calling.
Anyways, I feel like my emails really are just time for me to tell you what's going on in my head instead of around me. Sorry about that. Still, it's not to late to repent. This week we had Richard G Maynes come and speak to us on Tuesday about making sure that we are constantly reaching out. One of the lines he said was that "We don't know we're living the story until it's over." (This did not help my 'fast' at all my mind immediately went to how perfect that line would look as chapter title) Still, when thinking about it later I realized that this is my story and it's my chance to make it a good one. He also talked about being on fire with the spirit. It was a very good devotional but all of them are so... My district got picked to host this next week. So we're going to be doing that on Wednesday. Guiding the new missionaries in to the MTC. Sounds like fun, here's to hoping the weathers good. Ge LaoShi went to Texas this week for four days so we got to meet and be taught by ALL the Mandarin teachers and it was kind of fun (There happens to be four Li LaoShi's at the MTC and it's a bit hard to differentiate when talking about them.) The language is also really picking up. I feel a bit like I'm falling behind in memorization but as long as I can still testify I'll consider that good.
So yes, that's my week (roughly) I hope you all have fantastic weeks and you'll hear from me again next Monday.
-Sister Savannah Skinner
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