So now that time is moving on I feel like every day at the MTC gets better than the last. Which I am told is an unusual opinion to have but hey whatever I'm going to keep my good mood for as long as possible.
The Lessons I've learned this week have been long and difficult ones. If only because they are much more internal than external at this point. This week was hard on my district as there was a lot of negativity floating around. I was very bothered by it. I still am whenever it comes up. On Tuesday we were sitting in add study waiting for class to start and I don't know how the ball got rolling but I was sitting quietly getting more and more frustrated with the people around me until I heard the phrase. "I just don't even look forward to class anymore." I kind of snapped. For the people who know the story of my Jr High and High School years well. I pulled a seventh grade choir on them. I stood up and told them that they were wrong. That they're focus determined their reality and that as long as they believed class was going to be hard for them it would be. I was in the middle of my 'lecture' when my companion just stood up, walked out, and said "I'm done with this." and suddenly everything came crashing down. I didn't have authority to tell them what to do. I didn't have the right to speak to them like that. And the last time I did something like that I was then shunned by a good portion of my peers for years to come to the point where my sister when asked if she was related to me got told that 'oh, that's too bad, I don't like her very much'. I nearly started crying in study time right there and then. It felt like none of the people I'd gotten to know over the last several weeks would look at me and I couldn't help but start wondering what the next seven weeks would be like if I was under the silent treatment. I really did just make a much bigger deal out of it then I should have. But part of the reason I apologize so much is because when I was younger and more forceful I ended up pushing people away and now I have fear that if I say or do something wrong I will be punished socially. Anyways it all turned out all right, I apologized to my district and they forgave me for telling them what to do. Ge LaoShi had interviews that evening and I got to talk to him about some of the complaining and negativity I had seen with my peers and he and Wu LaoShi have really come together to try and fix it.
They weren't able to completely fix the problem though.
Words are powerful things that can make or break a situation the way you say things is powerful and dynamic. Just a complaining word here and there can completely color others perception of you. Take this principle and apply it with the fact that we currently live in a society where complaining is a good story. When something bad happens we go tell someone about it because it's a way to 'connect' as it were. So it all accumulated on Friday night when I got pulled aside by our sister trainers (Who aren't really our leaders as they are in the other Mandarin zone, but were the only other sisters speaking Mandarin until this week.) Who told me that we were gaining a reputation as the negative district. This was really disheartening for me as I love the people in my district and even though it was hard week for them I didn't feel like a week of down was going to be enough to hurt others perception of us. Also it was hard because I'm not sure how to fix it. Telling them they were wrong wasn't the way to do it and yet I didn't want them to have to go through the difficulties of having to push through preconceived notions. Also we had a new district come into our zone this week and I really felt like we needed to be an example to them.
Along side all of this happening I was struggling with my own problems. I felt like the spirit was inconsistent in my life. It was there with me some times and other times it just wasn't. When the Trio (The name given when referring to the sisters in the other zone all of whom are leaving this week. (Sister Cherkas, Sister Sylvester, and Sister Mark)) pulled me aside they first asked me what I felt I needed and I told them about not feeling the spirit consistently and while talking it our it dawned on me what the problem was. Those moments I didn't have the spirit with me were the moments that I was speaking out in desire of the praise of the world.
I have always struggled with pride. It's my greatest vice and I realized this week that if I want the Holy Ghost to truly be my companion I was going to have to get over my desire to be seen and heard for my own benefit. It was a humbling revelation and I have been fasting and praying about it both on Sunday and then today I started fasting for revelations on what exactly it is that I need to 'spiritually fast' from if I want to have that power with me in my day to day life. I know fasting twice in a row isn't the best for me but in the temple this morning I felt a strong impression that this is what I needed to do. I'm going to find a way to have the Holy Ghost as my constant companion and I am so excited for the day that I can truly be an instrument in the Lord's hands. Already he has given me so much. After starting my fast on Sunday, part of which was to get over my pride, another part to have the opportunity to lovingly let my district know that there was something wrong, and just a little bit to be able to take faster showers. I got an answer to my district prayer in district meeting where I felt impressed to tell them what was going on. I'm not sure it fixed everything but now they are actively trying to be better and that's really what it takes. I'm also trying to be a more positive person and that's been helping me so much in my day to day life.
I hope this letter wasn't too rambly. and I hope you know that I really and truly believe that the people in my district were called off God and will make amazing missionaries. I have learned to fight off my pride and hopefully as I start my 'spiritual fast' tomorrow I will be able to report to you next week how my progress is going.
God be with you till we meet again.
-Sister Savannah Skinner
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